It hurts to see you go through this….

Here I am standing in a small bathroom stall. Trying to calm my three year old down. He is wedged between the toilet and stall divider. He was in a full-blown meltdown. People in each of the stalls. People waiting for a stall. At the beginning we were waiting for the big stall to open up, but Kash was getting irritated. He ran into the small stall and wedged himself. He began to yell and cry. I am trying to comfort him. The door was opened, because it was impossible for both of us to fit. Of course people were staring. I am on the verge of crying myself, but I held it in. My main focus was to calm Kash. He was my main point of focus.

Ten minutes pass by and he starts to calm down. He still wouldn’t move. I had to pick him up to get him in a safe place. I was worried he would become even more agitated, and he would get hurt. The big stall finally opened up, so I moved him to that stall. I just dropped to the ground and started hugging him. My heart just breaks for him. He doesn’t communicate to me what’s wrong. If something hurts. It literally is a guessing game. I held back the tears while hugging him. I could feel him squeezing me extremely hard. I am his safety net.

Holiday’s can be rough, but we make the most out of it…

Holidays are fast approaching. Which in our household can bring a lot of anxiety. Kash does not enjoy going to see Santa Clause. Last year we went to see Santa at our local mall. They were having a sensory Santa for all the children with special needs. It was wonderful they were offering this, but Kash had a huge meltdown. It just was overwhelming for him. We tried! It stinks that we can’t go get pictures with Santa’s every year. One day we will get there. I just know it!

Kash has started listening to Christmas songs on his IPad. Which is extremely cute! It’s usually the videos that have characters that dance to the music. He will try to imitate them. It’s the cutest thing ever!

My sweet son, moments like this rarely happen

Here I am watching you fall asleep on me. Times likes these come very rare. You have always enjoyed cuddling with me, but rarely did you ever fall asleep.

It has always been a rough start since you have been born. Spending most of your time in the NICU. Having so many cords and IV’s on you.

It has been such an emotional rollercoaster from the beginning. I never got to experience bringing my son home after having him. Instead I spent most of my time in the NICU. I couldn’t have many friends and family come see you.

I remember holding you in the NICU and just crying. My emotions were already on edge from all the trauma we all had to go through. I would be so scared wondering if everything will be okay. Will things be different? Lots of emotions would go through my head.

I remember sleep was something you just didn’t enjoy doing. You would get up every hour. That went on for the first year of your life. I know I always looks so rough. I was exhausted, but know you are so worth it.

Just watching you look at me is the best feeling in the world. It can be exhausting, but I wouldn’t trade you for the world.